...but I don't speak Russian

This is a true story

June, this past summer I was chillin hard on a Saturday afternoon. Woke up late, rolled out of bed and that's about it. I had the TV and the computer on but really doin nothing with either. It's not that unusual that I'm wakin up late on a Saturday but it was a chill moment.

Door bell.

What the..?

This could and usually is nothing on a Saturday.

Sometimes people ring all the bells to be let in the lobby of the apt. building. This was a good guess. But not good enough.

I put on some jeans and go to the front door to my apt to see if it is for me for reals. I do the ol' one eye closed to focus the other eye through the peep hole out to the lobby.
What I see is a young guy in a UPS uniform with a clipboard.
Did I buy something on-line and forget? Or another package for the wrong apartment (this happened at this apartment, the outside of the box was for a lil' girls bike so I thought a lil girl would be upset and couldn't buy another one cause 8 year old are usually broke. When I met the woman she said it was for her boyfriend and it turned out to be a mans bike).

Dave opens the door (Dave speaks in third person when opening doors or writing about opening doors).

I see the UPS delivery dude and a little old lady who looks very upset. I stand in my doorway, listening to UPS delivery tell me they got this lady locked out of her apartment. She went to answer the door and did not have a key to get in. Now if this happened to me I would ring the super's doorbell and he would pull a David Blaine and help me get into my apt with the skeleton key all super's are required to have. The problem with this remedy for her is that she is the mother of the super. I think they went to the dentist from what I gathered. Where exactly they were did not matter because they were not in the apt. to let her in.

UPS is delivering an old lady. I did not order an old lady. She seemed nice but it must be the wrong apt. He also delivered a question. Can she can come in and wait for the people to come home and let her back in. This kind of took me by shock because I have never met her before and she looks like she is about to cry. I stutter there in the door way trying to figure out what is going on in front of my face. But what choice do I have? So I step back while the brown suit of Saturday surprises points into my apartment for her to go in. I am not ready for a guest. Especially her.

She was 5'0"
Probably in her 80's
Wearing a cross between pajamas, a dress and mu-mu. Slippers
From the moment I looked at her she had a look of complete fear, and spoke in what I think is Russian. This did not change for about 45 minutes.

She enters my apt. and I point at my cat to show her and not surprise her. I know my grandmother would not like to meet a cat by surprise. I pet him to show her he is 'one of us'.
She is standing in the middle of my studio apt. speaking to me in a language she seems to know quite well. It could have been made up but she seemed to be saying the same combination of foreign sounds. She is crying and talking to me and I all I say to her is 'I don't know what you're saying' with my best mime impersonation of a person not understanding when they are being spoken to in a language they do not know.

Whats the hell am I supposed to do? I know!! Maybe I can calm her with my smooth Saturday afternoon style. Yea! I point at the couch and help her over to it and she sits and stops sobbing as much. I go to the fridge and mime pouring a drink to possibly get her closer to the zone I had going 5 minutes prior to the door bell. She comes and looks in the fridge like it might be a door into her apt. It is not. She is not thirsty and go right back to sobbing in Russian. Damn I thought that was the second step, it would work for me.

I stand in the middle of the room with her sobbing and speaking to me in Russian words, phrases, ideas and declarations. Back and forth she walks grasping one hand with the other at her chest as she looks up from the floor to continue to speak to me in her native tongue.

I'm not sure how long this lasted until she grabs my arm and pulls me to the front door to go out in the lobby. Dave opens the door and she insists in Russian that we go outside the apt. building. I grab my keys and decide to follow her. I figured if things got bad I could take her so I left my switch blade in the apt.
This day was a nice sunny summer day, about 70.

She drags me around the corner of the building to point to her window and again speak to me in long thought out combinations of words. She starts her mime act and its seems to be a person climbing something.

What does she want me to do, climb in her window? Its freakin 10 high! No
I am confused and worried at this point because she seems to really need to get into her apt. We walk back to the lobby and to my front door which is next to hers. She trys to 'man handle' the door handle with no luck. So I try the same thing thinkin maybe I can open the door with my much younger man strength. It does not open. I thought for a second maybe it will and its over.

There we are, back to the beginning except no UPS guy who is probably driving somewhere in Brooklyn with the door open on that brown truck.
She is crying and sobbing and pointing to her door like I have no idea what is going on. I wish I knew how to say 'I know you want to get into your apt.' in Russian. But I speak 0% Russian or the other language she was speaking that sounded like Russian.

What should I do?
I thought of calling the Police. Can they get her in her apt? I'm not sure what to do with her. Does she need to get in as in she needs her medication or the stove is on or the iron is on her favorite blouse or she needs to tape Golden Girls and it about to start? All equally important reasons.


I try and get her to come and sit and wait for her son to come home. She would not follow me in. What should I do?
She drags me back outside to her window, pointing, and mimes what seems to be me climbing the brick wall to climb in. I did not want to do this. I decline the offer and walk her back into the lobby, now I need to do something different.
Where is everyone? I don't see any neighbors this entire time. Yea, I can get someone Else involved and get some ideas to help this woman. I knock on a door of a woman I know a little but of course not home.

Then there comes a guy down the stairs and I ask him if has a ladder and if he could help me help her pull the break and enter to her apt by climbing up to her window and jumping in. He goes back up the stairs to grab a ladder and we go outside to her window and carefully place the ladder in the loose soil under the window. The ladder is about 5' tall. I am 6'. So standing on the top of the ladder, yea the top step, I reach and I grab the edge of the window but its a full stretch and I still need to push the screen up or punch through it. Its too far away to do either. So after a full marathon of attempts (about 5 minutes) I come back down the ladder to what seems to be advice in Russian.

The other apt resident/accomplice thinks the corner deli will have a bigger ladder and starts down the street. My new Russian friend proceeds to climb the ladder to the top step, yea the top step and trys to climb into her window. I'm freakin out!!! She is gunna bust her ass right in front of me and then so much for either one of us have a chill rest of the day. I demand she return from the top step to the ground and I mime 'cut that shit out'. I hold her arm as she descends from what could have been the last ladder climb for her. I thought she knew he was going to get a bigger ladder cause we said it real loud and slow, that usually works with people who don't speak your language.

Now that I think of it, it looked like he just left and I was just standing there doing nothing. I was waiting for the bigger ladder but she did not know this. He returns with a ladder 2 feet taller which looks much better and safer for me. We plant the ladder in the dirt and up I go.
I push up the screen and hoist myself in. It was almost waist high to climb in at this point so it wasn't that hard. I arise in the apt not smelling any food cooking or anything burning. So I was relived a little. I go to her front door. Dave opens the door and lets her into her Apt. She seems to be grateful in Russian and I let her thanks me, I think.

During what turned out to be her final speech to me about the subject of her being locked out of her apt. She pulls out an egg from the one pocket she has about hip height. Its not much of a pocket as it is more of a extra piece of fabric that is big enough to hold a forty if it was strong enough.
She hold up the egg and is talking about it, and something else.
I am satisfied, I go home and do my best to get back to my Saturday state of chillaxation.

The super and his wife stop by about an hour later and thank me for letting her in. No explanation of anything she said to me. I should ask them what the hell she was saying to me the whole time. Wouldn't you give up speaking to someone once you realise they don't speak your language. I would, its mime-time at that point.